The First Disappearance Pt 2.
February 5th, 2010
It had been about 3 weeks since WT just shut down, although he didn’t know it had been that long at the time as he’d been living in a state of suspended animation, somewhere between awake and asleep. When he was vertical he was never quite awake, and when he was horizontal he was never actually asleep. The vertical hours were spent watching TV, an exercise in futility, as nothing seemed to penetrate the thick fog that enveloped him, so he never knew when one program finished and the next one started. The horizontal hours were spent dwelling on all the past wrongs that had been done to him, like the time in the 3rd grade when he payed good money for a cream bun from the tuck shop that turned out to be stale. However, whether vertical or horizontal, the one constant was and overwhelming and all consuming feeling of sadness.
Some of his vertical time was spent planning the perfect suicide [Ed. It must be stressed that there was never any real danger, for over 10 years he had suffered from constant debilitating headaches that had been wrongly diagnosed as migraines. When the headaches got too much to bear, he sometimes fantasised about topping himself to stop the pain, but there were never any thoughts of it once the throbbing ceased]. WT wasn’t all that worried by these thoughts as he was very familiar with them, that is except for the day that his dark thoughts took a sinister turn when he started to mentally draft his suicide note. Something about the seriousness of this new development triggered an alarm in the part of his brain that was charged with self preservation.
Becaming lucid for the first time in over a month, and WT’s newfound clarity produced an amazingly insightful thought: “I live exactly where I want to be, I’m in a long term stable marriage, I’ve got three dogs and two cats that give me companionship and loyalty (well, the dogs do at least), and I don’t even have to work. So why am I so sad? It has to be physical rather than psychological.”
That’s when things started to turn around…
Categories: Anecdotes
Thank god for light bulbs! You had me scared for a bit there old man!
Sending big happy vibes your way! And lots of hugs and smoochies (even if you don’t want them!) mwah mwah mwah xoxoxoxoxoxox
I think it’s part of your recovery to do this – you realised you could cheer yourself up by dragging the story out so all us idiots are kept in suspense.
I’m so glad to see you posting again – I’ve been worried about you (was getting ready to email you nosy inquiries, but life… well. Exploded and continues to do so). But crap, what a shite reason to not be posting. Glad things will be turning around, but I don’t like the sound of this “first disappearance”.
Ah, the death thoughts. I understand. I have them many times every day, always have (especially when doing things like using a knife or scissors, or driving on a bridge), but like you said, there’s no real danger of me doing myself in. The suicide note was for sure a red flag. I don’t usually go that far.
Very glad things did turn around for you.
Three cheers for that side of the brain!
I am so glad that alarm went off!!! SO very happy to hear that things started to turn around! I can now wait calmly for the next installment, and not worry too much!!
xoxox
Oh good, there is light at the end of this tunnel.
I feel badly that you had to go through this. xoxoxo
The physical malady is the first thing we should look for. The first thought that crosses my mind are very high glucose levels.
first thing-I’m sorry to hear about the sinking depression
second-glad the self-preservation clicked in
three-must be all that vegemite!
ps….four-looking forward to pt 3!
As others have said, I’m so thankful for that alarm and that you paid attention to it. Hopefully this means that you have found the cause and how to address it. Again, please take care of yourself, WT. You have a lot of friends that care about you and are anxious to know you’re well.
Oh, thank goodness. This blog doesn’t end with… “this is WT’s wife. I’m sorry to tell you….”
Hello. Long time no read. I hope you’re really feeling better and this story ends well.
Well, then. Give us the next bit, please. Post haste.
One should never post in haste.
Those of us who have experienced depression understand that reality doesn’t mean diddly. But I’m sure glad it registered with you.
x Ribbon
And here I thought belle had just gone on a massive walkabout and you followed her for a few months.
that part of the brain that is tasked with self-preservation.. well put. and that part of the brain has saved me more than once, too.
Not to sound harsh, but I hadn’t noticed you’ve been out of sorts, out of order, out of your head, out of _____________! (Fill in the blank)
(Fill in the blank), whatever you want to call it.
I’ve been in my own state of _______________
BUT, I am glad you are vertical and/or horizontal and posting again.
Whew. Tough stuff, WT. Glad the alarm bells started ringing. I’ve missed you, as we all have -
I am very glad that WT did not choose the self-eliminating option, but that he chose the self-preservation route.
(Waitng patiently for Part 3) Okay, that is a lie.
phew
that made powerful reading, self-preservation is very strong thank goodness
Shit Peter its amazing how much of this bad stuff there is around us, I’m not immune but have never reached the depths that you describe.
Hope it all sorts out quickly now that you have made a start, holler out if there is anything I can help with!!!!
come on, coax coax coax……
blurt it out….
and I thought I was the only one who didn’t think the Scrabble games were making much sense!
I am hoping this story ends on a high note!
Fourth disappearance? I hope not! Where are you WT? I think you’ve been playing the trivia quiz, so you must still be breathing anyway.
Still waiting (patiently) for Part 3.