Going rogue with Hoover.
November 23rd, 2009
Hello Faithful Readers, Equoni here…I know…the requests rolled in for pet porn. Having reviewed the story in my head, there is not much left after I take out the parts or phrases that I do not think will make it past even the Dingo censor….but I will try to give you the general idea….but first there were a couple things this week that I just HAD to comment on!!!! (For those of you in other parts of the world…these are the crazy, stupid things that are free fodder for the late night comics, and fill in blogsters here in the US….bear with me!)Sarah Palin released “Going Rogue”. I don’t know what the hell that is supposed to mean, nor do I know who cares. In Montana where I’ve lived most of my life, and even the year I was in Alaska, I think most people would think it referred to something in the category like this little story from some friends of mine who will remain totally anonymous.
They were spending a romantic weekend at a little cabin in the woods. It was winter. The cabin was pretty remote, but there were a couple other cabins that were quite some distance away, all around a big meadow. There was a lot of snow, and it had been snowing hard all day, but it cleared off after dark, so the stars were out. For some reason “man” decided that it would be fun to take the snowmobile for a spin around the meadow in the fresh powder. I do not remember if “woman” joined him or watched from the porch. I DO know that neither “man” nor “woman” had a stitch of clothing on. “Man” roared off and was having a great time…when at the far side of the meadow he discovered that not only did the cabin he was passing have motion activated flood lights…it was also occupied—by someone who looked out to see what had set off the lights—which was a naked man on a snowmobile! THAT my friends is going rogue!!!!
Oprah made a sobbing, tearful good-bye speech, announcing that her talk show was over. I figured when I first heard about this that it must be that Oprah realized that she had hit rock bottom about the time she was sitting on stage with Sarah Palin asking her about her former son-in-law to be—now Play-Girl center fold, and if he was invited to Thanksgiving Dinner. But it wasn’t long before the next news release hit…l don’t know if Oprah really didn’t expect people to notice that the announcement coincided with the launch of the “Oprah Winfrey Network” on Cable. Surely even her viewers are not that dumb. (By the way, in case you missed it..the answer about dinner was, “You know…that’s a really good question.”)
But the absolute TOPPER of the week has GOT to be Sarah Palin calling Katie Couric “The Perky One”. Now granted, before Sarah hit the scene, I would not have argued for a minute with this title. I do not like Katie, I think she is annoying and do not think she has any place as the anchor for a nightly national news. But side by side with Sarah…you’d be hard pressed to find ANYONE who would not say that Katie is drinking Decaf and might have taken a Valium or two, while Sarah has had a few triple espressos and is hitting the Red Bull a little too hard. (no, that is not the pet-porn…it’s an energy drink)
OK…on to the story….it’s another from my veterinary work days. This was pretty early in my career…I was still young and innocent…and blushed at the drop of a hat…not totally relevant to the story, but will help with your imagination of my reaction to one of the comments.
We had a client who owned a cute little basset hound named “Hoover”. He was just one year old. They wanted to breed him, and had found a nice young lady who apparently had suitable papers and pedigree. But they were not having “success” at home, so they brought the lovely couple in for professional assistance. We confirmed that the lady was at the proper point in her cycle for conception…and explained this to Hoover. Hoover, being still a puppy, but having teenage hormones, found the whole situation quite exciting, but just wanted to play!!! We tried to direct his attention to the area which he was supposed to be focusing on. He thought she smelled great! Then he said, “Do you want to play???” And continued to do puppy play postures and jump and wiggle (if you are not familiar with these canine moves, scroll down to Belle’s last video and watch her torment Bentley into playing).
So we separated them for a day, then brought them back and tried again. This time Hoover was a little more interested when we directed him to the proper area. He thought she smelled REALLY good this time. This time he thought she tasted good too. Prompting one of the female vets I worked for to remark rather loudly, “who says [that form of] sex is not natural?” There are some things you do not need to know about your co-workers, and especially not about your bosses…this was DEFINATELY one of them!!!!! And when you blush like I do, especially like I did then, you can’t hide how embarrassed you are!
So anyway, in spite of his interest, Hoover just could not figure out that he was supposed to DO something. So the doctors decided that we would have to artificially inseminate the young lady. She was getting quite bored with the whole thing, as all she had done to this point was stand there while everyone encouraged Hoover. So, now her job was to continue to stand and provide scent incentive, while the doctors took over “stimulation” and used a large syringe holder as a collection container. Hoover thought this was even more fun than playing!!!
It was going well, and apparently all that foreplay had worked well, as Hoover had a lot stored up…but the vet must have done a little too good a job of “stimulating” Hoover….he got stuck in the collection tube!
You can fill in the rest…the jokes that then started flying about how which vet developed such exceptional skills etc etc. Hoover thought it was the best vet visit EVER. And SOMEONE had to come up with a good cover story as to why there was such a delay in returning Hoover to his owners…(I don’t know what it was, but I’m sure it was not that he was stuck in the tube!)
Have a delightful week everyone! Hope I entertained you more than I offended you!!!
Categories: Hmmmm
Talk about giving a dog a boner!
Ha! You made my week. You two are hilarious!! Between your post and WT’s comment…hahahahahaha!!
Equoni! Where is the “R” rating on this post! Aunty Karisma is shocked!
Eh, you could have made this sound much dirtier, but not everyone can be WT. My favorite thing about this post though was your friends’ version of “going rogue”. Sarah Palin? Meh, I’ve lost interest. Oprah Winfrey? Blah. She hit rock bottom along time ago as far as I’m concerned. Katie Couric? Never had my attention to lose it. Vet stories and nekkid snowmobiling is much more interesting than any of them.
Oh, and I thought for a moment WT had renamed his comment section “guest posts”. How disappointing to find that wasn’t the case. I wonder if I could do that on my blog. I think I’ll go see if I can figure it out.
LMAO! Great story! I can’t imagine the bill for that, though!
Loved your thoughts on Katie Couric, too! I thought I was the only one who felt that way!
For some reason, I just can’t get the image of a vacumn cleaner hose out of my head. H-m-m-m.
Jenni—if you’ll read the last post you’ll see I was the FIRST person to say that NO ONE could come close to WT, and didn’t claim to be able to even try…..
But for the record it was WT himself who told me this story had to be cleaned up before it could be posted!!!!! I know it can sound a lot dirtier…when I tell it it usually does!!!!!
I don’t recall saying you had to clean it up!! But then I don’t recall a lot of things these days….
Oh btw, Great post!
Thanks WT!!!! It was way back the first time I was a guest author…I mentioned this story in it’s unedited version during a chat and you told me I’d have to replace certain terms with more acceptable ones…and offered less offensive ones…honestly I couldn’t remember all the alternatives, so I just had to mostly clean it up, though I did find a couple of replacement terms. Glad you liked it though—that makes my day!!!
Oh…and a friend emailed me
who say itto say it was HER that had to go up front and give a cover story!!! I guess she said Hoover would be up shortly after he was “cleaned up a bit”. She also was a bit offended that I cut the story off without including the part about her having to hold on to the end of the tube to keep the speciman warm until Hoover’s excitement subsided enough to release him from the tube so that the specimen could be collected and transfered into the waiting young lady!!!! I had NOT forgotten that part….just chose to end the story where I did…but I HAD forgotten that she was the unlucky person who got that duty!!!!!who say it to say???? I don’t know what the hell I was trying to say…I think a simple “to” would have sufficed there!!!!!
Another great post Equoni. The part about Sarah Palin is hilarious.
Poor old Hoover stuck in the tube…that must have been some vacuum. But, no it was the vet.
Did Hoover ever become a Daddy?
Kila, I think so….you’d think after all that I would remember the puppies…but I don’t. Maybe I’ll write my friend and see if she remembers. It was all a very long time ago, so some of the details are pretty hazy.