A Dingo's Got my Barbie!

The First Disappearance Pt 2.

WT — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 22:43:46 +0000

It had been about 3 weeks since WT just shut down, although he didn’t know it had been that long at the time as he’d been living in a state of suspended animation, somewhere between awake and asleep. When he was vertical he was never quite awake, and when he was horizontal he was never actually asleep. The vertical hours were spent watching TV, an exercise in futility, as nothing seemed to penetrate the thick fog that enveloped him, so he never knew when one program finished and the next one started. The horizontal hours were spent dwelling on all the past wrongs that had been done to him, like the time in the 3rd grade when he payed good money for a cream bun from the tuck shop that turned out to be stale. However, whether vertical or horizontal, the one constant was and overwhelming and all consuming feeling of sadness.

Some of his vertical time was spent planning the perfect suicide [Ed. It must be stressed that there was never any real danger, for over 10 years he had suffered from constant debilitating headaches that had been wrongly diagnosed as migraines. When the headaches got too much to bear, he sometimes fantasised about topping himself to stop the pain, but there were never any thoughts of it once the throbbing ceased]. WT wasn’t all that worried by these thoughts as he was very familiar with them, that is except for the day that his dark thoughts took a sinister turn when he started to mentally draft his suicide note. Something about the seriousness of this new development triggered an alarm in the part of his brain that was charged with self preservation.

Becaming lucid for the first time in over a month, and WT’s newfound clarity produced an amazingly insightful thought: “I live exactly where I want to be, I’m in a long term stable marriage, I’ve got three dogs and two cats that give me companionship and loyalty (well, the dogs do at least), and I don’t even have to work. So why am I so sad? It has to be physical rather than psychological.”

That’s when things started to turn around…

The First Disappearance.

WT — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 06:42:47 +0000

There were actually three consecutive disappearances over the past 3 0r 4 months, although to you it would have looked like one continuous absence. The first event was the most complicated so I’ve separated it from the other two (which can be done in one post). I’ve written this in the third person, not out of any egotistical arrogance, but merely in an attempt to make it more readable.

Let’s begin…

WT knew there was something wrong, but he just couldn’t put his finger on what it was. The past couple of months had seen him slip further into his shell, he had always been affected by dislike of crowds that borders on phobia, but lately he wasn’t even attending the various small dinner parties he’s regularly invited to (or to which he’s regularly invited, if you prefer the uppity type grammar that book learned people use), transforming him from a virtual recluse to an actual one. Then there were the uncontrollable fits of rage that were becoming both more frequent and more prolonged. Sure, everyone knew that WT was an irascible sort of a fellow (some would even call him a curmudgeon, and they did…often), but this was different.

There was nothing new about WT not liking people, being the non-discriminatory type of chap that he was, he hated everyone equally. But he began to realise that he spent part of every day shouting abuse at his pets, the radio, people on TV, various kitchen appliances, his clothes, and his ever increasing girth. When he wasn’t yelling at something he was sleeping. Now we all like to take the occasional daytime nap, just for the heck of it, but WT found it almost impossible to stay awake for more than an hour at a time. This was not completely new, as one of the symptoms of malignant hypertension is a constant state of tiredness, and of course, sharing his bed with three dogs and two cats was certainly no guarantee of a good night’s sleep; but again, this was different…more severe.

When he wasn’t yelling or sleeping, WT spent his time eating bread, cake, cookies, potato chips and chocolate. If he ran out of ‘food’ (which was often, as he rarely left the house by this stage), he would be consumed with thoughts of consuming bread, cake, cookies, potato chips and chocolate.

A by-product of his withdrawal from society was long periods spent at the computer looking for cyber buddies to talk to and playing scrabble, yet eventually this too became too much for him…to the point where one day he realised that he had been cycling through his scrabble games for over 20 minutes, unable to make sense out of any of them. In a state of total, overwhelming frustration and impotent rage he cried out in anguish, “I can’t do this any more!”

WT turned the computer off and went to bed just before lunch. It was then that he shut down completely…

In the meantime…

WT — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 01:55:50 +0000

Ok, I know I said I’d bring you up to date on what I euphemistically call ‘my life’, but basically it’s pretty boring, so I’m trying to think of ways to make it readable. In the meantime, here’s a meme I was tagged for by Jenni. It may not be brilliant, but it’s fairly reflective of my sentiment. (It’s actually harder than it looks)

8 TV Shows I Watch

1. The Jetsons
2. Green Acres
3. Pinkie and the Brain
4. Bones
5. Castle
6. The News
7. Stargate (any flavour)
8. Torchwood

8 Favorite Places to Eat and Drink

1. The couch
2. The armchair
3. The sun-room
4. The dining-room
5. The front verandah
6. Lynne and Neville’s
7. Brett and Bernadette’s
8. Willow Tree truck stop

8 Things I Look Forward To:

1. Tomorrow
2. Firm stools
3. Breakfast
4. Pinkie and the Brain
5. This meme being over
6. Christmas
7. The world coming to it’s collective senses
8. The end of reality TV

8 Things I Love About Winter:

1. My wood fire
2. Temps rarely get above 45C
3. No mosquitoes, no flies
4. Baseball on TV
5. Home-made soups and stews
6. No mowing
7. Trackie dacks
8. My doona

8 Things On My Wish List:

1. That my dogs would quit escaping
2. A nice place on the coast
3. A new car someday
4. Learn to cook better (or even to cook)
5. To win the lottery
6. To remember to buy a lottery ticket
7. A set of electronic drums
8. A total ban on reality shows

8 Things I Am Passionate About Important to Me

1. Bodily functions
2. MDW
3. Ice cream
4. My privacy
5. The critters
6. Being a good neighbour
7. Non-theism
8. Sleep

8 Things I Have Learned From the Past

1. Shit happens
2. Marriage is a good idea
3. Don’t eat food that smells funny
4. I’m serious, don’t eat food that smells funny
5. Too much alcohol can cause headaches and nausea
6. Too much pot doesn’t
7. Fashion doesn’t last
8. Photographs last

8 Things I Want/Need

1. Medication
2. Solitude
3. Electricity
4. Fibre
5. Humility (yeah, right!)
6. Smarter dogs
7. Another two inches
8. Music

8 people I Want to Tag

1. I don’t do tags, but you’re welcome to do this if you like.

Hello World

WT — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 08:28:05 +0000

I don’t know if you noticed or not, but I haven’t been posting much lately. If enough people are interested, I’ll tell you what’s been going on.

Merry Christmas to all my cyber buddies.

WT — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 21:41:38 +0000

WT’s IT support.

WT — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 23:47:11 +0000

Yes that’s right, I’m branching out into computer support. I’ve got things pretty much set up now, all my friendly and courteous help-desk staff are in place and eager to take your calls, because as you know…your call is very important to us.

Our staff speak a wide ange of languages including Hindi, Bengali, Urdu, Gujarati and Punjabi. Plus next year we hope to have one that speaks English. To give you an idea of how sophisticated our (by ‘our’ I mean ‘my’) operation is, I’ve prepared a short promotional video.

Here is one of our friendly technical staff working on an Apple:

No reason.

WT — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 07:35:22 +0000

I just like it…

Going rogue with Hoover.

WT — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 03:51:34 +0000

Hello Faithful Readers, Equoni here…I know…the requests rolled in for pet porn. Having reviewed the story in my head, there is not much left after I take out the parts or phrases that I do not think will make it past even the Dingo censor….but I will try to give you the general idea….but first there were a couple things this week that I just HAD to comment on!!!! (For those of you in other parts of the world…these are the crazy, stupid things that are free fodder for the late night comics, and fill in blogsters here in the US….bear with me!)

Sarah Palin released “Going Rogue”. I don’t know what the hell that is supposed to mean, nor do I know who cares. In Montana where I’ve lived most of my life, and even the year I was in Alaska, I think most people would think it referred to something in the category like this little story from some friends of mine who will remain totally anonymous.

They were spending a romantic weekend at a little cabin in the woods. It was winter. The cabin was pretty remote, but there were a couple other cabins that were quite some distance away, all around a big meadow. There was a lot of snow, and it had been snowing hard all day, but it cleared off after dark, so the stars were out. For some reason “man” decided that it would be fun to take the snowmobile for a spin around the meadow in the fresh powder. I do not remember if “woman” joined him or watched from the porch. I DO know that neither “man” nor “woman” had a stitch of clothing on. “Man” roared off and was having a great time…when at the far side of the meadow he discovered that not only did the cabin he was passing have motion activated flood lights…it was also occupied—by someone who looked out to see what had set off the lights—which was a naked man on a snowmobile! THAT my friends is going rogue!!!!

Oprah made a sobbing, tearful good-bye speech, announcing that her talk show was over. I figured when I first heard about this that it must be that Oprah realized that she had hit rock bottom about the time she was sitting on stage with Sarah Palin asking her about her former son-in-law to be—now Play-Girl center fold, and if he was invited to Thanksgiving Dinner. But it wasn’t long before the next news release hit…l don’t know if Oprah really didn’t expect people to notice that the announcement coincided with the launch of the “Oprah Winfrey Network” on Cable. Surely even her viewers are not that dumb. (By the way, in case you missed it..the answer about dinner was, “You know…that’s a really good question.”)

But the absolute TOPPER of the week has GOT to be Sarah Palin calling Katie Couric “The Perky One”. Now granted, before Sarah hit the scene, I would not have argued for a minute with this title. I do not like Katie, I think she is annoying and do not think she has any place as the anchor for a nightly national news. But side by side with Sarah…you’d be hard pressed to find ANYONE who would not say that Katie is drinking Decaf and might have taken a Valium or two, while Sarah has had a few triple espressos and is hitting the Red Bull a little too hard. (no, that is not the pet-porn…it’s an energy drink)

OK…on to the story….it’s another from my veterinary work days. This was pretty early in my career…I was still young and innocent…and blushed at the drop of a hat…not totally relevant to the story, but will help with your imagination of my reaction to one of the comments.

We had a client who owned a cute little basset hound named “Hoover”. He was just one year old. They wanted to breed him, and had found a nice young lady who apparently had suitable papers and pedigree. But they were not having “success” at home, so they brought the lovely couple in for professional assistance. We confirmed that the lady was at the proper point in her cycle for conception…and explained this to Hoover. Hoover, being still a puppy, but having teenage hormones, found the whole situation quite exciting, but just wanted to play!!! We tried to direct his attention to the area which he was supposed to be focusing on. He thought she smelled great! Then he said, “Do you want to play???” And continued to do puppy play postures and jump and wiggle (if you are not familiar with these canine moves, scroll down to Belle’s last video and watch her torment Bentley into playing).

So we separated them for a day, then brought them back and tried again. This time Hoover was a little more interested when we directed him to the proper area. He thought she smelled REALLY good this time. This time he thought she tasted good too. Prompting one of the female vets I worked for to remark rather loudly, “who says [that form of] sex is not natural?” There are some things you do not need to know about your co-workers, and especially not about your bosses…this was DEFINATELY one of them!!!!! And when you blush like I do, especially like I did then, you can’t hide how embarrassed you are!

So anyway, in spite of his interest, Hoover just could not figure out that he was supposed to DO something. So the doctors decided that we would have to artificially inseminate the young lady. She was getting quite bored with the whole thing, as all she had done to this point was stand there while everyone encouraged Hoover. So, now her job was to continue to stand and provide scent incentive, while the doctors took over “stimulation” and used a large syringe holder as a collection container. Hoover thought this was even more fun than playing!!!

It was going well, and apparently all that foreplay had worked well, as Hoover had a lot stored up…but the vet must have done a little too good a job of “stimulating” Hoover….he got stuck in the collection tube!

You can fill in the rest…the jokes that then started flying about how which vet developed such exceptional skills etc etc. Hoover thought it was the best vet visit EVER. And SOMEONE had to come up with a good cover story as to why there was such a delay in returning Hoover to his owners…(I don’t know what it was, but I’m sure it was not that he was stuck in the tube!)

Have a delightful week everyone! Hope I entertained you more than I offended you!!!

Guest post

WT — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 23:49:43 +0000

Hello Everyone! Don’t know if any of you remember me, but it’s me, Equoni! No, I’m not really a dog, that is Marley, you read about her. If WT can use Snoopy, I can use Marley!!! Anyway, a while back I had the GREAT honor of being WT’s protege and being an occasional guest author here on the famed Dingo!

I know, most of you were pretty dismayed that ANYONE would tread on such sacred ground, and I know you were mostly polite, but no one can take WT’s place, and you really don’t want to read stuff from anyone other than WT! I don’t claim to be able to come close.

But hard as it is for me to believe, as winter is closing in around me here in Montana, in WT’s corner of the world it is early summer and time to get out and enjoy the sun and fresh air and maybe the ocean before the holiday crowds set in! And keeping up with a blog and all of us can get to be a chore, as wonderful as we all are, and as delightful as writing a blog can be, so WT is taking a well deserved vacation for a little R&R, and I’m going to step back in as guest author, however inadequate, to try to keepa few new posts up so the Dingo doesn’t get mothballed!!!

Most of my career was in veterinary work, so some of my best stories are from that. This one is. I know you all love pet porn, and I do have at least one good story in that category, but it might take a little work to make it postable, even the Dingo doesn’t allow Hard Core. This is the best I can do for now.

Our clinic was one that participated in a program with the local Humane Society and offered a free health exam to newly adopted pets. One of our clients came in one day with a very cute, medium sized, mixed breed dog named Luna. Luna, according to her paperwork was a young adult (I think about 2 years old) and was a SPAYED female. We weighed her, she seemed a bit thin, maybe a little undernourished, but was a very sweet dog.

Her owner was quite taken with her, and we had a great talk about her, and I fussed over her and gave her some treats while they waited. Then I escorted her into the exam room and told her the doctor would be in shortly.

The doctor reviewed her paperwork from the shelter, and asked the new owner a few questions, then began the exam. He checked her eyes, teeth, temperature, noted that she seemed malnourished. Then he palpated her abdomen. Then he checked a few other things. Then he looked at her paperwork again. Then he said to the owner, “She is actually not spayed.” he said, “Yes she is, they told me she was, it says so right there.”

He said, “Well, I can tell you for sure that she is NOT spayed. She is pregnant.”

“WHAT?????”

“She is pregnant. She is going to have puppies..within the next 72 hours.” The owner’s jaw dropped. Pressing his opening here, the doctor continued…”You are going to have to go home and build her a nesting box for her to birth in…” He proceeded to describe the signs of labor and the process and what to watch for and how to handle it, and approximately how many puppies he thought were in there. And what was involved with caring for puppies and a nursing mom. He then led her out of the exam room still talking saying “You need to put her on a high quality puppy food right away, and she needs to eat it as long as she is nursing, and the puppies will need to eat it when they start on solid food, so you probably want the biggest bag.”

So as the supplies for the expectant mother were gathered, the STUNNED new owner staggered to my desk while I began to prepare her bill—-for what was supposed to be a FREE visit for her newly adopted SPAYED ADULT dog. She got out her checkbook, but just stood there, pale, with the most blank, most shocked look on her face. Finally she looked up at me. She opened her mouth to speak, but closed it again. She did this about three or four times. But each time she shook her head and stopped. Finally though she managed to get the thought together and the words out. She looked at me and said…

“You know, For the FIRST time, I think I FINALLY understand how my husband felt!”

The modern home.

WT — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 04:19:07 +0000

I’ve long been a Luddite when it comes to household appliances, my life changed when I saw one of these little babies, yep that’s right, a remote controlled cordless vacuum cleaner.

Anyway, I just couldn’t hold out any longer, and about half an hour ago, I finally got a chance to use them all (yes, I said all, you can’t just stop at one). If you’ve ever considered getting one I strongly advise it, in fact to help make up your mind, here’s a clip of mine in action.

Click the image to see them in action.

I dropped an almost full bag of popcorn, the clip would have been more impressive had I not watched them for a few minutes before remembering to film it for you.

PS. Towards the end of the clip, you can see a good example of how Belle’s disability manifests itself (when she tries to lift her leg over Bentley to get past him), otherwise you hardly even notice it, except for the pronounced limp due to one leg being shorter.